funeral

My grandmother’s funeral.

I can’t sleep at night. Had to woke up at 7. So I didn’t sleep the entire night and wait till morn. I toss and turn on my bed while stargazing, I cried too. So rite now, I’ve been awake since the past 29 hours.

And I’ve been crying since the past 8 hours. Not only did I mourn over my grandma’s funeral, to add to the melancholy, my fucking dad made a big issue. He was JEALOUS. I can see his jealousy. Well, story goes like this. My sister and me was sitting in front of my grandma’s jenazah and we were crying and sobbing. Well my ‘evil grandma’(my dad’s mom) was beside us. We were so sad that we didn’t talk to our ‘evil grandma’ and we didn’t salam her. So, this bitch, goes up to my dad and told him about we never salam her and all. COME ON! Just admit that u are jealous. Too bad, I love my other grandma to the max. So, my dad, confronted us. Like oh my god. Picture this people. People are crying, most of them are sad, some were praying, some were kissing my grandma’s forehead and he wants us to fucking entertain that bitch?!

Im sorry if I sound mean. But truth is, u haven’t met my ‘evil grandma’. She hates us. And so do we. Do you know that sometimes I see the way he treated my father isn’t the same as the rest of his siblings. Well every time, when there’s occasion coming up, my father isn’t updated at all. As in know one would tell him. It was always awkward when my family are around them. And do you know that my grandmother called my sister ‘mulut puki’ when she was little? She thinks that we got no feeling at all. yea, fuck her!

So after the funeral, at around 6, we were heading back home. We were in the car. And he was shouting and shouting. I was crying. He wanted my brother to go to clementi and go to the bitch house. Like What the fuck?! So yea, we went to her house. He went into the lift and left us behind. By the time we reach at the house, me, my mom, my sis was crying. We were pissed. We had enough of him. We told that bitch, ur son is so fucked up. He tend to lose his temper easily. My brother was shouting to him. Like seriously, what the fuck is wrong with him!? What was his problem.

I cried so bad because all I ever wanted is a happy family. The one where we rarely fight. and where the siblings are so close. Like now, me and my brother, we are not close at all. And my father, he always find fault in everything. Oh god, please give me a happy family. I’ve been praying for this for a long time. You know I love my family when we were happy. Can we just remain that way. Change my father’s attitude. He’s having high blood pressure right now. I love him. Don’t make him mad.

All this vulgarites doesn’t mean that I hate my dad. I love him. I love him to the maximum. It’s just that his temper made me feel like I hate him so much that I want to kill him. But to my evil grandma, I can’t say that I love her, because she never showed me what is love and never made me feel that love exist. Im not sure, if I should even like her Im confused. There’s always second chances to make me think differently about her, but she don’t really show that she can even deserve second chances.

Now, everyone is not in talking terms. my mom is already asleep, which is what she neveer did before. and my dad, watching the tv outside. i can't really describe what i feel right now.